Cherubplay

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I don't know why, but.....I was trying not to cry. I'd messed something up terribly, and Clarenz had been right all along. I'm 'one of those people'. I can't believe I....just by stating my opinion, I made her................ I don't deserve anyone like her. My fingers gripped my arms tightly, having gone from folded over my chest stubbornly to hugging myself tightly. If I just hated all her real friends, and drove them away from her until she was alone, that was the last thing she needed or wanted, then maybe............. "........maybe........maybe I shouldn't be..." My voice broke. This was best for her, right? Terrible for me. She was the only person who seemed to truly understand. But I didn't matter. I was only ruining her life, giving her panic attacks, asking stupid, insensitive questions, and picking fights with her friends for the dumbest, most biased reasons.....I can't believe myself sometimes. Why did I ever think I deserved to stay here even a little while longer?

2015-09-12 10:08:19

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She shook her head. "No, no. It's my fault...." Always her fault. /Always./ Her fault. Ivory stuck her hands into her jacket pockets. She was the overly- senstive one. She was the one who went to the psych ward. She was the one who was was over-reacting. No one else was. She was the over-dramatic one. This was her fault. Her fault. This is what she did to everyone. /Everyone./ She was right about what she said to Tassek. She will always be alone.

2015-09-12 10:14:45

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No, what have I done, I've ruined everything. This was supposed to be a friendly visit? To cheer both of us up? I really was a mopey good-for-nothing. She thought it was her fault I didn't want to hurt her anymore. Everything she was thinking was a lie, and it was all because I was upset at myself for being such a horrible human being. I wanted to hug her, but she probably didn't want me to. I don't know what to do, what do I do to solve this, every word just makes it worse, I, I, I.......... "N-n-no, y-you h-h-have your d-devils, they, I-I mean, I d-d-don't know them, b-but they prob-bably won't go a-anywhere, you'll....." Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

2015-09-12 10:29:38

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"No.....You're right....I'm" She was the idiot here. She should of known this was going to happen. So many people hurt him. Now she hurt him. That's all she was every good for. Hurting everyone. Stupid. Idiot. This was her fault. Her fault. All of it. Her fault.

2015-09-12 10:33:20

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The voice hurt my head as it echoed through the empty space. "STOP IT. You d-didn't hurt...m-m-m-m--" Oh God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. What did I do. I came here and ruined her day. I made her sad. That's what I did. I didn't do anything good. After all, it was me. What good could I do except clean the kitchen and fill up a slot in the obituary section. Oh that's right. I don't exist. I'd forgotten. On the back page, then. Mysterious body. No funeral prepared. No loved ones to mention. I'd be okay with that. It wouldn't be like I'd be around to see it. No one would be sad. Because no one would care. No point in caring about that worthless, stupid angel, he only cried a lot and pretended there was a God to love him, right? Hahaha. What an idiot. Oh well, glad he's gone. Maybe now we can live happy lives without him shoving his long depressing nose into our pleasant daily schedule. Now we don't have to worry about pretending to care about his feelings. Isn't that nice? In fact, let's throw a party. Everyone will come. Everyone's glad he's dead. Just to spite him, let's hold it in front of his coffin. That might be fun. Toss in a box of tissues for him to be a crybaby in whatever level of the afterlife he's in. And look! Ivory's so happy now. Now that she's not reminded of how much she hates herself every single time she sees him upset for dumb reasons. Was there ever even a reason for that, or was he just oversensitive? The latter, of course, you think he was actually a competent enough person to have normal /feelings/? Don't be silly. Those were just to get attention. A spot of tea? By all means. And here's some confetti to toss into the shallow grave.

2015-09-12 10:47:57

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Of course she did. Of course she hurt him. He was lying. Lying to make her feel better. Tears pricked her eyes, and she immediately turned away from him. DON'T CRY. DON'T CRY. DON'T /FUCKING CRY!/ THIS WAS ALL HER FAULT AND SHE KNEW IT. She didn't deserve to cry.

2015-09-12 10:52:36

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She's given up on me too. Ha. As if it wouldn't happen eventually. There's no helping me. It's pointless. I'm pointless. But please don't cry. Please. My hands are shaking. I can't not cry anymore. I just want to die. If I weren't here then everything would be better. I tried to reach out and touch her shoulder, but I couldn't move. I could only stand there trembling and feeling like I was going to have a stroke. I'm so useless. And selfish. So self-absorbed in my hate that I can't even help her. There I go again.

2015-09-12 11:04:00

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The tears started to flow. She made a dash to her room, locking the door behind her. No one should see her cry. No one wanted to see it. She just fucked everything up.

2015-09-12 11:05:39

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I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I'd never see her again. But wasn't that the point? I was terrible for her. I was terrible for everyone. I was a plague on society, a useless parasite with no reason for being or to continue said existence. You know what? Fuck it. I can't do this anymore. I /can't/. This was just the straw that would finally break my neck. If I wasn't interrupted again. But it wasn't like I ever saw Anndrea anymore. She wouldn't bother. Especially now that she knew what had happened while Terezi and I were sick. To an extent. No, even without context she had every right to hate me. She'd be relieved this obligation was finally off her hands. I fell to my knees, still unable to breathe with my heart pounding like an tax collector two months past due. Anything would do. A small blade. A bottle of tasty yet toxic chemicals. Even a gun would be acceptable. And if all else failed. The roof.

2015-09-12 11:11:44

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He didn't have an ID. But he'd just gone to Lily. Smiled. "Could I borrow a bottle of whiskey or two, or three? A friend needs drinks for a party. I'll pay you back." She was on painkillers. Dopey, sleepy, the whole seven dwarfs, and she handed him the alcohol before he'd even finished his excuse. Slightly surprised and a little confused, though too distracted to worry much more, he returned...to the apartment. It wasn't home. It never had been. Tassek was at work, thank /God/, or the gods, or Satan, did he even know what to believe anymore? He sat on the couch, popped open a bottle, and half-emptied it in one swig. Alcohol poisoning seemed like the best way to go. He'd be too drunk to feel much when he went, and it might look like an accident if done right. Best case scenario, the whole thing could be blamed on Louhkie. Vengeance from beyond the grave sounded nice. So did drinking the other half of the bottle. Soon he was started on the second one, the whole world a fuzzy haze of sorrow and muddled regret. He fumbled his phone off the coffee table and squinted at the screen through a mess of tears partially staining his glasses. She had to know how sorry he was. So very, very sorry. He'd been too busy having a fucking panic attack to help her. "bby im sorry im sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry so sorry i lov u godbye"

2015-09-12 11:25:32

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She didn't know what became of Seculus after that. Or anyone. For that matter. Ivory just...didn't care. Nothing mattered. She couldn't vent the pain onto herself. Lance had hidden his alcohol. So she just....sat there. In her room. Just staring at the wall. Sleeping. Sleeping helped a bit. She really couldn't go out so...if anyone asked she blamed it on that. She didn't need to burden them with her problems. She already fucked up one person's life, she didn't need to do it again. She was pulled out of sleep when her phone vibrated against her desk loudly. She groaned softly, and reached her hand over to grab it. She blinked the blindness away when her phone screen lit up. Wait...Seculus? Why was he-Oh. Oh no. She recognized that type of text anywhere. Going outside was a risk but.

...It didn't matter.

He needed her. Even if she messed up, he needed her.

She got out of bed, got dressed quickly, slipped her phone, her xanax, and a piece of mirror shard into her pocket, then slipped out the window.

Once she arrived at Seculus's apartment, she knocked on the door. Please don't be too drunk to even remember how to answer the door.

2015-09-12 11:36:29

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He'd dissolved into a sobbing mess shortly after lowering the second bottle's contents to about three fourths of what it had been, and it almost drowned out the knock. When he realized, eventually, what it was, he patted around his immediate area for his glasses, which he'd pulled off and thrown to the other side of the room at some point. These fucking glasses. When had /they/ ever been there for him? Only his sweater had. He'd make sure it lived a good life after he was gone. When he didn't find them, he gave up, stumbled to his feet, and basically crashed into the doorframe, fumbling the doorknob until he managed to pull it inward, and nearly fell through the door himself. His face was red, his hair was even more messy than usual, bangs in his face and damp around his eyes, which were fixed on some spot behind her as he just kept crying. ".....y'shouldn't....be here.....'m terribllle...."

2015-09-12 11:45:20

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She saw him. She saw the absolute mess he was. She did this? She did this. It didn't matter at the moment, however. He needed her. He /really/ needed her. Without saying anything, she moved forward and clung to him tightly. She was here now. She was going to fix this.

2015-09-12 11:49:11

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There was some other voice in his head now, that said she was going to fix this. Fix what? Had she brought a tranquilizer to move things along faster? Maybe a lighter. This full of alcohol, he'd probably go up like Chuck E. Cheese on an anarchist's birthday. Then she grabbed him and he stumbled backwards, tripping over the coffee table and grunting when the back of his head hit the couch. "I didn' wantchoo to see me dead...Ivoryyyy, you were s'pposed to wait for th'big re/veal/...."

2015-09-12 11:53:49

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"Well if you're going to die, it's not going to be today." She stated, still holding onto him. "I won't let you." She glance over and saw the empty bottles of alcohol. Yeah, drunk. Wasted.

2015-09-12 11:58:05

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He broke his semi-comprehensible speech patterns to start sobbing again. "Wh-why?! Why can'tch' just let me /die/?!"

2015-09-12 11:59:50

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"Because if you die, then I'm coming with you."

2015-09-12 12:00:35

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"NO! Let m'die alone, 's whatta worthless fuck like me had comin', y'need to live, or I'd...I'd just...."

2015-09-12 12:03:37

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"You'd what?" She asked. "Die? Well if you're already dead that kind of defeats the purpose."

2015-09-12 12:04:58

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That didn't help. He choked on a sob and some tears dripped into his mouth. "I know, 'm stupid, jus'don die, for Zane, or, or something, I mean, uh, nnnn..."

2015-09-12 20:44:55

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"You're not stupid, and you shouldn't die either."

2015-09-12 21:12:49

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"Yes I am, yes I should, Anndrea, bet she doesn't even love m'anymore, she shouldn't, 'm worthless, she'll be happy when 'm gone.............."

2015-09-12 21:14:56

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She hugged him a bit tighter. "Nah, I highly doubt that."

2015-09-12 21:16:42

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"W-w-well, y're not right about anything....'s not your fault, it's not, it's not, 's all mine.."

2015-09-12 21:18:34

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"You've done nothing wrong, Seculus. Nothing is your fault."

2015-09-12 21:20:42