Cherubplay

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"I'll be there, but not in the way you think I will."

2016-02-07 22:03:14

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"........you'd leave me then too? I....guess you would............"

2016-02-07 22:05:22

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"No, completely different than that."

2016-02-07 22:07:23

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"....then what?"

2016-02-07 22:07:34

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"No interaction with anything, and just because you get to interact with me, does't mean much, eventually you'll want more, but you won't ever get it. And I'm saying this because this is what every ghost who interacts with me says this."

2016-02-07 22:11:22

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"...like I ever do /anything/ to begin with. What's better, an eternity of suffering or an eternity of nothing? ....I'd fit right in."

2016-02-07 22:12:22

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"No you won't. You want to know what it's like so bad? Go ask Seculus, because I've had to bring him back from death."

2016-02-07 22:13:22

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"....you did? Well, he....he cares more. He wouldn't be able to stand not talking to anyone.....it wouldn't be any different for me."

2016-02-07 22:14:55

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"Yes it /would./ There you go again, Madison. You're not /listiening/ to me. Even when I know out of anyone else what I'm talking about. Tell me the truth Madison, what do you /really/ want?!"

2016-02-07 22:16:08

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My mouth began moving without my say-so, spilling out everything I'd never told her. "....I miss having actual confidence, almost enough to want to go back to Lucinda and being a terrible person, just so I can /like/ myself again. I'm the only one who gets physically beaten up on by everyone, just because I can take it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt more to think I did something to deserve it....and in New Jersey, I didn't say anything when you were telling Seculus and Ren about the ice and they agreed I couldn't be saved, but it hurt, it hurt so much, because I thought I might've finally been forgiven enough for people to care about me, after I tried /so hard/ to learn how to help without making everything worse. Especially after you helped me through the puppet thing and became my friend, it felt like that was a lie, because obviously I wasn't worth enough to actually earn the sort of affection people give people who they don't want to die......."

Seculus came out of the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, and stared at me as I continued on.

".....I'm not worth anything. After hearing it so many times, I can't believe anything else....from Lance, Cale, Kinsley, Lucinda, Luces, even....even you two....my feelings aren't worth anything, I'm not a real person because I can't care. I can't listen. I can't do anything right. I'm just an object, people think I'm interesting, or useful, then throw me away when I'm not... It doesn't matter if I suffer because it doesn't affect anyone else, so why should anyone care...? Whenever I have a problem I /become/ the problem, so I shouldn't share it or shove it on anyone else. I have to be alone, because that's all I'll ever be and if I'm not then I'm just annoying or ignored. I still don't know if you've forgiven me. I still don't think I deserve it. I still love you, and you're still the only person I've actually fallen in love with. Lucinda was just there...she was the only person who seemed to give a shit about me, and I didn't want to be lonely anymore. ...look how that turned out. It just made everyone hate me more, just because I couldn't stand being alone. Now the only reason I'm alone is because I tell myself I am, and I push everyone away, and it's my fault, all my fault.....every time you hurt, it was my fault.......and I know I'll never be forgiven for that. ......I still think everyone would be better off without me. No one would have to pretend to worry, or deal with my shit. I want to die."

2016-02-07 22:39:49

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"........" She pulled him into a hug once more.

2016-02-07 22:44:24

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I started crying. I didn't mean to say any of that. I didn't want to. ....it was probably good. Seculus sat down silently and rubbed my back.

2016-02-07 22:45:53

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"....I'm sorry I haven't been there for as much."

2016-02-07 22:46:30

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"....I......don't deserve it.....you have better people to.......I don't......blame you........"

2016-02-07 22:49:23

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"No, no you deserve my attention."

2016-02-07 22:50:08

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".........I don't.......I'm just..........just.....Madison........."

2016-02-07 22:53:04

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"Exactly. You're Madison."

2016-02-07 22:54:13

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"........exactly. So I'm not a........." ".....you are a person. People have feelings, and you obviously have those."

2016-02-07 22:54:52

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"Very much so, and you mean so much to me."

2016-02-07 22:56:56

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".......I still don't.....understand /how/....did you forgive me? I never knew....."

2016-02-07 22:57:45

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"...I realized how much you really did care about my feelings and wellbeing."

2016-02-07 22:59:00

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"......you did?"

2016-02-07 22:59:46

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"Yes."

2016-02-07 22:59:54

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I hugged her tightly. I've...she finally forgave me. That's what I wanted all along....

2016-02-07 23:00:34

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She returned the hug. Yes, She forgave him long before she realized she loved him.

2016-02-07 23:01:45